Selfie Sabotage

I have been trying to write this blog for quite some time now, and just haven’t been able to find the right words.  I’m just going to go for it, and hope that it lands on it’s feet with the right understanding and kind intentions with which it was written.

My heart aches every single day that I am on social media and see girls posting selfies of themselves in provocative positions with captions that are obviously begging for attention.  Ladies, I know some of you are lonely.  I have been there and I know it hurts.  I know how it feels to just crave that one compliment…to think that if you hear someone tell you something nice about yourself, you can survive today.  The problem with that, is it doesn’t last.  You need more compliments, from more people.  Just like any other craving, it becomes addicting.  One compliment feels nice, but one hundred feels amazing.  Before you know it, your entire value comes from what other faceless people have to say about you.

I was young and single when that stupid website, “Hot or Not”, first came out.  What a brilliant idea this was for society.  I’m so proud to share that I was right there to put my face online.  I couldn’t wait to be told by a myriad of guys, whether or not, they thought I was “Hot”.  This stupid website polled thousands of internet men, based solely on your picture, and gave you a percentage of hotness 1-10%.  I was instantly hooked.  I lived and breathed this website.  I checked my “hotness” CONSTANTLY, and was devastated if I dropped a fraction of a percent.  I would dig through every guy to see how they had rated me.  I needed to see if it was a cute guy that rated me poorly.  I needed to see how much I valued his opinion of me.  The problem was, I always valued their opinion on some level because I was giving it my time and attention.  I was letting it affect how I felt about myself, and how I valued myself.  I had no opinion of myself outside of that website and those guys.  That spilled over into my dating life.  I started treating guys very bad because I felt like I was better than some of them, but less than others.  I had this whole ranking system going on in my head.  It was the “Hot or Not” of the real dating world in my life.  It was a sickness.  It was just sad.  My friends were getting so tired of my issues.

“Hot or Not” may not exist anymore (thank God), but that mentality is still alive and well with social media and selfies.  Girls posting these selfies, and guys reacting to them online, are creating the very same situations.  I see myself in these girls, and I worry about them.  It isn’t the kind of attention that you deserve.  If you had ever had the right kind of attention, you would know the difference, and that is what makes me sad.  Now that I have my wonderful husband, I can recognize what a fool I was being, and how foolish I looked.  I’m embarrassed of how I acted.  I’m embarrassed that friends tried to help me stop, and I didn’t listen.  I couldn’t see it at the time.  I thought I looked beautiful, the guys were telling me exactly what I wanted to hear, and they convinced me that my friends were just jealous.  Super embarrassing now.  Guaranteed my friends were NOT jealous of my stupid behavior.  I fear some of you may be caught in a similar trap.

Girls, we have to stop giving guys everything they want, just because they ask for it.  Stop making fools of ourselves just to get their attention.  Stop bending over backwards because they might not stay.  Girls, we are stronger, smarter, and better than that!  If you are talking to a guy, and all of his profile friends are women who take a million selfies…he might not be boyfriend material.  If a guy is asking you to send him inappropriate pictures, he is a scumbag.  If a guy is comfortable commenting on your body, before he has even met you, he is going to hurt you in one way or another.  No gentleman ever started a good relationship with a lady by commenting on her body parts.  Beware of the booty call.  Guys who just want to “hang out”, but never take you out on a date; are not worth your time.   Justify it however you want, but my point will still be valid.  You will never be anything more to him than a piece of property, or a conquest, as long as you let him treat you as such.

If you are a gentleman reading this blog, you are not innocent; if you have female friends that post selfies and you like them.  Stop liking their pics, stop encouraging them to put themselves out there in ways that you know your male cohorts use inappropriately.  You know as well as I do, that men aren’t seeing them as ladies, but as pieces of meat.  Be a real friend and tell them the truth about how guys think of girls who post pics like that.  Are those the girls that they ever really want long term?  Are those the girls that they want to treat nice, marry, make their queen?  No, they treat them like a mistress.  They treat them like the fantasy that the girl is portraying herself to be.  And tell your guy friends to man up and stop treating girls like garbage.  If you know guys who are using these girls, tell them to stop buying into it.  If guys didn’t give the girls attention, girls wouldn’t put it out there.  It is a vicious cycle that has to be broken on all sides.

Ladies, you have the power to make the change.  Stop taking cleavage shots of yourself on your bed.  Stop posting bikini pics in your bedroom.  Stop posting pics of yourself  with your phone angled down your shirt.  Stop taking selfies of you in your nighties, bras, or in suggestive poses.  Stop posting provocative quotes and jokes trying to constantly associate yourself with sex.  There is nothing sexy about being lewd.  Stop making everything about guys.  Focus on yourself and what makes you happy.   Let your smile with friends be what attracts him.  Take a picture of yourself doing an activity that you enjoy.

Marilyn Monroe was a little mysterious.  I don’t think anyone would argue her sexiness.  There is a difference between exuding sexiness and screaming sexiness.  Please, stop screaming it all over social media.  It gives all females a bad name when it screams of desperation.  The attention will come when you least expect it.  I know it did for me.  I took my face off all of those sites, I purged myself of my  addiction.  I had decided to just let it all go.  Then he found me…when I least expected it.  When I wasn’t looking, when I didn’t really want it.  Even when I didn’t really feel pretty.  He saw me right away.  He wasn’t my usual type; but turns out, he was my perfect one.  Stop trying so hard.  Stop craving the constant attention from the wrong sources.  Find your own worth.  Your true value can’t come from another human being, we are imperfect.  we will always fail.  People will always let you down and hurt you.  Don’t put your value in people.  I love my husband, but he doesn’t define my value and worth.  Learn to love yourself.  Remember that you were created by a God who loves you more than we can ever understand.  Strangers will never be able to tell you what you are worth.

I challenge you to go look at your social media pics and clean up your images.  Take down any pics that don’t represent the person you want the world to see.  Who do you really want to be?  Not the person who craves the attention, but the real you.  Be authentic, that is what is truly attractive.  Trust that you are enough.  I promise you are.

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